Monday, April 18, 2011

Why I Love the NBA - Grizzly Men: Shane Battier and the Gasol Brothers

The NBA expanded to add the Vancouver Grizzlies in 1995.
The Grizzlies never put together a good enough team to even make the playoffs the entire time they were in Vancouver. In 2001 they moved to Memphis and drafted Shane Battier, an Uncle Tom from Duke as Jalen Rose would say. The Grizzlies also were able to trade their only star, the forgettable Shareef Abdul-Rahim, for the Atlanta Hawks' 1st round pick Pau Gasol.
Battier and Gasol would turn the Grizzlies' franchise, if not around, at least significantly rotated.
Between 2003 and 2006 the Grizzlies would make the playoffs 3 consecutive times and be swept 4-0 in the 1st round every year.  In 2006 Memphis traded Battier for the Houston Rockets' 1st round pick, my alma mater Uconn's Rudy Gay, who has since become the Grizzlies' maximum salaried franchise player. In 2008 the Grizzlies would trade Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers who had been struggling to find a star compliment to Kobe Bryant since trading Shaquille O'Neil. One of the players the Grizzlies would receive in return was Pau's rookie younger brother Marc. Pau would help the Lakers reach the NBA finals every year since then, winning the NBA championship in the last 2 years. The Lakers already had a dominant 7 foot center in Andrew Bynum and thus were able to play Pau at power forward (for the brief periods of the season where Bynum is not injured). Many teams in the NBA do not have a true center and play a shot blocking power forward at center, as has often been the case in the career of such power forwards as Emeka Okafor who has been forced to play out of position at center his entire NBA career.
Two years ago Memphis acquired the talented yet troublesome Zach Randoph from the Knicks. Randolph quickly developed alongside Marc Gasol to help the Grizzlies almost make the playoffs last year. While not as dominant as the Lakers' frontcourt, Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph comprised what was essentially the only other front court in the league with 2 centers playing the 4 and 5.
This year Memphis has been determined to make the playoffs. And for the first half of the year it seemed as if Gay, Randolph, Gasol, and their finally breaking out point guard Mike Conley were leading them to that goal.
But just before this year's trade deadline, Gay went down.
Rudy dislocated his shoulder so bad that it would require season ending surgery a few weeks later. At the trade deadline the Rockets, who had taken on a lot of salary over the last few years, decided to dump Battier's contract. The Grizzlies, with their sudden need for a new starting small forward, were eager to take him back. Immediately after the trade there was turmoil amongst the team and even a full on fight aboard the Grizzlies' plane. But the team rebounded from that experience to become closer and finish the season very strongly, nabbing the last playoff spot in the western conference. As the 8th seed, the Grizzlies were matched up in the 1st round of the playoffs against the team with the best record in the NBA, the devil's own boring ass San Antonio Spurs.
Tonight in game 1 of their playoff series, Gasol, Conley and Randolph gave great performances, and Shane Battier hit the game winning shot to beat the Goliath Spurs and give the Grizzlies their 1st ever playoff win.
Earlier today Battier's wife gave birth to their first daughter.
This is why I love the NBA, the stories.
It's my soap opera.
I love stories.
Stories are one of the reasons why I'm fascinated by history and politics. History particularly so. If you know the stories of history, you can understand and anticipate how the story will continue.

On a related note, heres a video of Uconn winning the NCAA tournament over Battier's Duke Uncle Toms in 1999

Just when they say you can't;
you can.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I Won the Internet

After two weeks the Huffington Post's Justin Bieber-as-Politician Photoshop Contest has been scrolled off of the bottom of their comedy page by newer posts.

And at the end of this run the winner as selected by internet is non other than THIS GUY!

My McCain getting Beiber fever picture ran away with the top spot and my Christine O'Donnell Bieber was as high as 2nd place for a while but has currently slipped to 5th.

It appears that huff post did not deem my other two pictures worthy of consideration by the public. The Beiber waiving photo with McCain I understand cuz the humor of that photo was more in Beibers gate and I had to cut it off a bunch to make the proportions not overly off kilt. However I really like the Beiber nazi one. I could understand a claim that this could be found offensive. I would counter that this contest should certainly fall under the too ridiculous to be offended by category. I am home on that range to quote Joanna.

Thank you to any and all out there in the world who voted. Humor you can believe in.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Favorite Albums of 2010!

In alphabetical order by album title (not counting definite articles):

Janelle Monae - The Archandroid
The first 6 tracks of this album are a medley and they set the pace for this high energy tour around this indie-va's (new word?) vast musical influences. I saw a free outdoor show of her's this summer in Hartford with Sky and Mariclare, it was easily one of the best shows I saw all year.

Black Dub - Black Dub
This group's debut proves theres still some fresh soul coming out of America. "Ring The Alarm" is a high energy jam that, while not quite the same pace as the rest of the album, was one of my favorite tracks of the year.

Vampire Weekend - Contra
Could Vampire Weekend top their indie royalty anointing self titled debut? The answer in Contra is a resounding yes. Even the rampant licensing of their songs for commercial use couldn't damped this wonderful album for me (which I believe is a first).

Aloe Blacc - Good Things
If this list had to be smaller, this album would still be on it. Blacc introduces himself to the world with a funky soulful explosion. He commits what is usually a musical no-no, covering a beloved song (The Velvet Underground and Nico's "Femme Fatale") but switching up the melody, Blacc however does not disappoint. For a great short film of some gorilla performances check out A Take Away Show, Part One and Part Two

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor
One of the 5 albums on this list I discovered through working in the music section at Barnes and Noble. Local Natives sound like Animal Collective with the instruments of a standard 5 piece rock band rather than synthesizers. We play this album so often at work that today I found it off to the side with a note on it asking to please stop playing it and take it home, done.

Joanna Newsom - Have One on Me
Certainly in the mix for favorite album of the year, this opus is 3 discs of beauty. It's really amazing to me that Joanna Newsom has been able to outdo herself with every album. Also, Good Intentions Paving Company is essentially a perfect song.

Kanye West - My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy
If you had told me earlier this year that I would make a top ten albums list of 2010 and Drake would not be on it, but Kanye would, I would suggest that you have mistaken me for a fool. But as much as Drake's debut album Thank Me Later disappointed, Kanye's album appointed. While he may not have the lyrical prowess of Aesop Rock or Can-I-Bus, and the content of his lyrics can border on the absurd("no more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need"), Kanye is certainly one of the more clever lyricists out there today("I'm living in the future so the present is my past, my presence is a present, kiss my ass"). Combined with his ever improving self production skills, the result is the tightest hip hop album of the year. Still waiting for what should be a deservingly cool video for Monster.

Ray Charles - Rare Genius: The Undiscovered Masters
This album of newly discovered tracks from Ray Charles opens up strong with the soul purging Loves Gonna Bite You Back. Listening to this album makes me realize how amazing it is that Ray can sing some sexually direct stuff very soulfully and smoothly. Wait till you hear him croon "WHY ARE WE TALKIN'? We should be GETTIN' IT ON!"

Herons! - So Long!
The long awaited debut release from Herons! was released this fall, but I've had the privilege to listen to it for over a year now. I've had the greater privilege of being friends with all the lovely folks that make of this group including it's musical genius songwriter Benjamin Kritikos, one of the flappiest men I have ever known.

Sia - We Are Born
This Australian indie-va takes her upbeat 21st century funky jazz-folk and rubs 70s disco all over it to create We Are Born. This is really just one of the happier albums I've heard in a long time.
"Oh how we fought, and still we won the fight"

Honorable Mention

Here's the thing, I haven't actually ever heard this album. It came out in 2010 but I haven't been able to get my ears on it yet. However, judging from how much I love all three of their other albums I have no doubt that this one belongs on this list

Republic of Loose - Bounce at the Devil

Saturday, December 25, 2010

My Favorite Songs of 2010

Inspired by Oprah's "Favorite Things" I present:
My Favorite Songs of 2010!


#5 Nicki Minaj featuring Eminem - Roman's Revenge

The energy of this song is undeniable to me. The excitement builds with the unrelenting beat. As shown by the many videos on Youtube of people dancing to this song. Eminem is back to his full absurd Slim Shady mode on this song and gets downright disgusting in the lyrics.
As ridiculous as his lyrics are he does spit them with the utmost TIGHTNESS.
"Go take a flying leap of faith off a f*cking balcony before I shove a falcon wing up your fly ass"
Also nice to see Nicki finally respond to Lil Kim's constant beef over Nicki taking the mantle as best female rapper alive (no contest). Nicki splashes just a couple lines throughout her album dissing Kim, but kills the debate
"So f*ck I look like gettin back to a has been?"
Nicki also does her part for redefining gender roles :)
"I am not Jasmin I am Aladdin"


#4 Black Dub - Ring The Alarm

Off of one of the best albums of the year, which I got exposed to thanks to my job at Barnes and Noble's CD & DVD department.
The unrelenting rhythm and flow of this song is carried along by its only lyric,
"Ring the alarm! Another sound is dying"
taken from Tenor Saw's dub hit by the same name.
It's a reference to the theory that tinnitus or ringing in your ears is the dying response of auditory neurons. As in, if you hear a ringing in your ear, it's the last time you will ever hear that note again.


#3 Kanye West featuring Jay Z, Nicki Minaj, Rick Ross and Bon Iver - Monster

Unquestionably the best hip-hop track of 2010.
If you have any ear for rap then you've got to love the pounding beat and the A-Game brought by Kanye and Nicki. Jay Z is his usual strong self but his verse doesn't compare to Kanye's career verse ("I'm livin' in the future so the present is my past. My presence is a present, kiss my ass") or Nicki's stream of schizophrenia which helped her become the year's big breakout star. For a first class verse from Jay Z check out Drake's Light Up ("Triple entendre, don't even ask me how. Con Edison flow, I'm connected to a high power")
I can wait for the eerie video for this song which has been previewed online to finally drop.


#2 Ray Charles - Loves Gonna Bite You Back

This track is off of an album of previously unreleased Ray Charles material that came out this year. Another cd I got to listen to because of working in Barnes and Noble music. Ray Charles singing right to my soul from beyond the grave, what more is there to say.


#1 Joanna Newsom - Good Intentions Paving Company

This song is everything I love about music all rolled into one. The piano's rhythm is subtle yet constant, the building of instruments, the crooning of Joanna's voice during the slower movements, and then the last minute or so of the song being just a kind of tribute to the work you just heard. It's the perfect song for when you're driving, on the subway, dancing, scrapbooking or whatever you may be doing. Full disclosure, I may be biased since she's my fiancee (Tho I havn't told her that yet).
From the Youtube comments for this video:
"I think if I were to die, at the ripe old age of 19, with this song playing, it would be okay."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Crazy By Choice

I find it satisfying when I see a person walking around seemingly talking to themselves, then I think,
"Oh, they must be on a bluetooth headset or something"
Only then to realize that they are not.
They're just plain old crazy.

A throwback to the good ol' days when crazy meant crazy

This would be a good time to externalize an idea I've had ever since I moved to New York a few years ago, I call it "CBC"

Crazy By Choice

It is essentially when a person, who really has no business talking, yelling or grunting to themselves or others, partakes in such activities openly for one of two reasons.

Case 1 (less common) - The CBC desires increased attention.
One could see how acting crazy might bring you some attention, however as acting crazy attracts pretty much the last attention one would desire, this type of CBC is usually completely bonkers, longtime homeless, or some other type of undesirable who would otherwise be completely ignored save for their crazy behavior, quite a crazy paradox.

Case 2 (more common) - The CBC wants to be ignored.
This type of CBC was the reason I coined the term. Someone who just doesn't want to be bothered by the aggregation of people they are forced to interact with. While this is especially acute in the over cramped hustle and bustle of New York City, it is really the result of the alienation that permeates and eats away at our whole society in America. I first noticed it as a street canvasser in New York City where I had to attempt to make contact with everyone who passed me by on the street. While most people ignored me by pretending to be on the phone or listening to music or just too busy, the CBCs (mostly old men and women on the Upper West Side) their CBC thang. They would rather have their fleeting correspondence be one of "okay I'm gonna leave this crazy person alone" that an actual human interaction.

To quote Kanye West "No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need"
If you didn't get why that quote is relevant, maybe you're crazy and you should start acting like it!

And if I haven't driven you over the edge of madness yet, then this former A-list cast of stars singing Let It Be for Norwegian television surly will

I realize that this post may be offensive to crazy people.
If that is the case I apologize.
I myself am crazy.
And I've always been told it's okay to make fun of your own kind.
For example I can make Holocaust jokes
because my grandfather
was a Nazi

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Saturday Night Live Steals My Joke!

I am an aspiring comedian.
Albiet I may not have a lot of jokes written yet, but to see one of my few jokes stolen makes me wonder. How many degrees of separation are there between me and my blog where I posted a joke a few moths ago about cooking up a Walruphuckenakecargotbleick and the writers of the heralded comedy show Saturday Night Live which made an unfunny joke in an otherwise unfunny sketch utilizing my comedic brilliance? The video of the clip starring Bobby Moynihan on the 11/20/2010 edition of Weekend Update can be seen here

If you'd like to be refreshed on my joke, a videotaped version of it from a show on 3/27/2010 can be seen at the 3:00 minute mark of the video below

(Yes I do realize that at the 4:06 mark when I said "snake" I meant "snail", which should be made more obvious by my referring to it as escargot a moment later, but this is the only recorded version of this joke and Night of The Rabbit were kind enough to offer me drinks throughout this evening)
Now part of me thinks positively: am I that tapped into the pulse of American comedy? Am I within only a few degrees of separation of the writers of Saturday Night Live? Is the fact that Bobby Moynihan seemingly unnecessarily references a "Baby Cow" far too similar to my seemingly unnecessary inclusion of a "Baby Elephant or Dwarf Elephant" in my joke a dead giveaway of theft? What is the difference between a duck?
All of these questions lead me to believe that perhaps this is a sign of my road to the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor being easier than I thought.
But then another part of me fears: Are my jokes so dumb and predictable that they can be co-opted by people I've never interacted with? Are my jokes as quasi-funny and not worth the annuls of Saturday Night Live as that sketch so clearly is? Is the premise of making a joke about an even more ridiculous version of a turducken too easy? Do Zebras have striped penises?
These questions produce fear in me about my future in comedy. But luckily my trepidations are somewhat alleviated by remembering that at the end of the day, my comedy will always have places to go for I am documented by the video below

I should post-script this post by noting that while I have ridiculed Saturday Night Live for their failure to achieve peak humor in the recent years the way they have in the past, I do feel like Saturday Night Live has been VERY FUNNY the last few years. Tho this year has been a little lacking particularly because of the heights reached in the last couple of years.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Ladies LOLler Derby

I love 30 rock. It's the funniest series being made right now save for The Thick of It which is said to have another season being made soon. The writing wit of Tina Fey and impeccable character execution by the likes of Alec Baldwin Tracy Morgan and others make this weekly half hour nugget a downright LOLler derby

Tina Fey was recently awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Now there's an award to aspire for! The ceremony was LOLthazar

Watch the full episode. See more Mark Twain Prize.


Mario Cuomo is the new Govorner of New York. And his partner the new "first lady" is Sandra Lee, a Food Network host who is probably the most ridiculous host of any such show I have ever seen.  She calls her cooking style "Semi-Homemade" which paints the picture of a Martha Stewartesque transformation of some kitchen scraps into culinary gems using only ingenuity. However Lee is a bumbling moron with the cooking sensibilities of a 16 year old girl from Dallas (offense), who ends every show with Cocktail Time a celebration of her rampant alcoholism, so her vision of "Semi-Homemade" ends up turning into forced truck stop Ghetto Fabulousness

Note that she is throwing a Thanksgiving party and yet she says "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year"

Oh Goodness!

Take Me Home Slow Loris!

Friday, August 20, 2010

What's a Meta For?

P*RG has a tradition in their canvass offices which they call "Hot Nights". A hot night is when a canvasser raises at least double their daily fundraising quota. The next morning they are recognized during the morning staff meeting and get to put some piece of construction paper cut into some themed shape with their name and fundraising total up on a fancy wall where the office's achievements are cataloged by an ever growing collage like they were in the 3rd grade.
Themes in the past have included little leaves to be put on an office tree, flames, little solar panels, rays of sunshine (F'realzies). And consistently being the most profitable office in the country, we grew and outgrew our collages fast.
One year I suggested we use this classic drawing about organizing

It worked pretty well and remained the permanent hot nights theme in our office from that point on. This is what it looked like on my last day at work

The theme caught on in P*RG offices around the country. Here's a shot of one of the IllinoisP*RG offices this summer

I think this hot nights wall is unintentionally a great metaphor for of the big flaws with the modern left:
There's the fish on the one side organizing to chase the big fish in the center that was chasing them, but hen there's ANOTHER group of organized fish on the other side also going for the big fish in the middle. They both seem equally fixated on the big fish and seemingly are ignoring each other. There seems to be no intent to work together nor to share the big fish. It seems like they're about to fight over it and most likely the big fish will get away.
And that's how a bill becomes a law.


On another note, here is yet another amazing example of the brilliance of The Daily Show with John Stewart
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Extremist Makeover - Homeland Edition
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

Thursday, August 19, 2010

[Get Out of There]

Where have you been?
Ok, lets put that behind us.
I'm going to dump off a wonderful video montage that someone made in what approaches a semblance of historical documentation.

A thousand words worth of reasons why Brooklyn is the planet.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Buggy's Last Days

We're gonna take Buggy for what very well may be his last veterinary appointment tomorrow. Just in case it is I made kabob tonight for all of us, which happens to also be the first thing both he and Tori ate in our house. I don't think they would have appreciated the awesome broccoli rabe I made tho so I didn't give them any of that.

Boy is it ever a weird pickle to deal with death.

I cannot express the degree of resentment and dislike that Tori has for Buggy right now. After being bullied around by buggy his whole life, he's now burdened by him. Buggy's near incontinence has meant sequestering for the dogs, which means Tori get's locked up too when no one's home. The general isolationism which has befallen the dogs since Buggy has gotten so sick has resulted in a lonelier world for Tori and he doesn't really understand why. But what is clear to see from their interactions is that Tori wants nothing to do with Buggy. If Buggy stomps over to the cushion or blanket Tori is sleeping on (as gracefully as a blind 18yr old dog with serious mobility issues can) he will more often than not be kept a few feet back with snarls and barking from Tori. The two of them have not shared a moment of joy or playing or anything other than quarrels in over a year since Buggy's mobility issues first arose.
And while it's clear that Tori is gonna have a more comfortable and relaxed life once Buggy is gone, and it's clear that Tori appears to feel nothing but anger and resentment towards Buggy, he's gonna miss him when he's gone.

Tori, you're gonna miss Buggy when he's gone.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Tilla Milatae Machiee

In honor of Rusted Root finally bringing some good music to Stamford's Alive @ 5, Here's Omar Ipodriguez, Vermoutha Salt and Bob E Kielbasa presenting their tribute.

And Here's pretty much the greatest video ever to grace internet:

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Devious Stares at my Erection

Omar Ipodriguez's tribute to Marcy Playground and their hit "Sex and Candy" (15 weeks at #1 on the Billboard Modern Rock Tracks!) soon to be played to an otherwise disaffected crowd at Stamford's Alive@5 concert.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Upon viewing the plants episode of the fantastic nature documentary series Life by the BBC

I've come to realize not only the amazing beauty and scope of the faunal reproductive process,
But also the simple fact that the vast majority of faunal reproduction is in fact a process of:
Party A publicly displays it's pollen, or SHPUNKEN
Party C saunters over to Party A, rubs all on it's biznass, and acquires said pollen(SHPUNKEN) as detritus on it's person, or on it's party, or whathavenots
Then Party C continues in it's pollen induced haze towards Party B, whom it rubs against furiously yet with apathetic nonchalance.
As a completely unintended side effect, the SHPUNKEN originating from Party A, which Party C has rubbed on Party B, has now pollinated Party B's bidnass and has produced a sexifyed vegan, locally grown, pesticide and hormone free offspring, namely Party D!
What I'm essentially trying to express is; run this sort of natural reproductive nonsense through your mind a few times and then try and tell me that the sweet glory of reproduction is still a sensible reason to vilify gay people

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Stamford, CT or NOW That's What I Call the 90's!

In honor of the Gin Blossoms and Soul Asylum playing at Stamford's Alive@5 concert series last week (which I wouldn't have been caught fatally wounded at).
My friend Omar Ipodriguez decided to record a cover of the Gin Blossoms' 1993 hit Until I fall Away (#13 on Billboard's Modern Rock chart!)

and also Soul Asylum's 1994 hit Runaway Train (Winner of the 1994 Grammy for Best Rock Song!)

I don't know why Stamford is so fond of inviting bands to come play in their summer concert series whose careers peaked in the mid-90's. This year is a little better, while Seven Mary Three and Marcy Playground will be Stamford's guests on July 1st, later weeks bring us Rusted Root, George Clinton and P-Funk, and the Beach Boys. Much better than last year's early 90's lineup of Sugar Ray, Smash Mouth, Fastball, etc.

Oh yeah, I live in Stamford now

Friday, April 23, 2010

If one stops looking, one finally sees...

Put Yer Money Where Yer Moral$ Are

I finally moved my money today.

I have long wanted to ensure that my money wouldn't be used to buy the credit default swaps and dangerous derivatives that tanked the world economy, its just that what little money I had in my Bank of America account was just kind of sitting there for the last few months. Well not so much sitting there, since they just can't help but to take it as often as possible. After closing my checking account a while back so it wouldn't be bled dry by their monthly fees, I got a notice saying that my savings account was roughly $60 over drawn. Mind you I hadn't taken any money out nor put any in for months. It turns out that, while the savings account has "no fees", if you only have a savings account then you have to have at least $200 in it or suffer a monthly fee. Of course I was not told of this eventuality when I closed my checking account. So my account was sucked empty until there was nothing left, and then the fees continued until my account was overdrawn (a weird term to use since I did no "withdrawing" since late last year). Once my account was "overdrawn" they then charged me an overdraft fee and then sent me the notice I mentioned earlier. I promptly called to find out what the F was happening and since they hadn't told me about the fees I got them to close my account and send me a check for the last positive sum before it was overdrawn, $2.34. Now that I have a new job starting on monday working for The Feds I figured I'd open a new account with the Fairfield Country Federal Credit Union. And boy am I glad to do it and not be aiding and abetting the inside job that screwed over so many in the last couple years and caused such hardship the world over.
On Earth Day 2010, just a few weeks after opening up our coastlines to further drilling for oil, Obama spoke in New York City on the need for basic banking regulations.
If Obama is unable to get regulatory reform of the banking industry passed, then this is the least I can do to distance myself from these greedy bastards.

America is an angry country. We are so quick to lash out at most any "enemy" that is pointed at by our leaders or the media. If you don't believe me just check out the Tea Party.

The Teabaggers have boundless anger at being taxed by our nigger president Obama despite the fact that he has cut taxes for 95% of Americans.
Ask the families of hundreds of thousands of dead innocent Iraqi civilians if Americans are willing to lash out at a perceived threat and see what they tell you. And yet, in the face of a crisis that has wrought havoc on the world economy and the lives of most people in America everyday, most people in America are remiss to show anger towards the people responsible. As for doing some part to ruin the ordinary lives of Americans, nothing in the last 50 years has come close to doing the damage of our current economic crisis. And this is a crisis with clear villains. Very straightforward fingers to be pointed along a clearly left behind paper trail (For a not so clearly paper-trailed, yet jarring and scary example, click on the words "inside job" above). But there is little demand for these peoples' heads, little demand for accountability. Where are the people with "Don't Tread On Me" flags marching on Wall St.? Much of that is likely owed to a few key factors. Primarily, the groups we are dealing with have an incredible capacity to lobby our lawmakers and of course they have long had a foothold in our media. Take one of the biggest players in this crisis, Goldman Sachs. They are the largest campaign contributor (to BOTH parties), and you don't even want to know how many key figures in government worked for them (not least vital of which being both Obama's and Bush's treasury secretaries). But of course the most frightening fact of all is that it appears that almost all of the insane gambling that caused this crisis (click on "credit default swaps and dangerous derivatives that tanked the world economy" above) was legal!
Immoral of course, but legal.
So if Obama can't pass regulatory reform, which will surely be met by our Teabagging brethren letting out a sigh of relief in the realization of their nostalgia for a time when white presidents didn't legislate morality upon the dangerously immoral, MOVE YOUR GODDAMNED MONEY!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Jack White

A sight not seen for a decade...MY CHIN!

Also the mustache is a sight only seen for a few months of 2004, certainly never seen without the beard. I apologize for the look on my face, I was doing an impersonation of a friend of mine who I reminded myself of once I had shaved. I am truly sorry for my look of joyful astonishment.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Do What You Can

Last night I saw Sarah Palin on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Later that night I dreamt that I was the other guest on the show and kept replaying in my mind the meeting between us in the green room. I don't remember too much more from the dream other than at one point I smothered her to death with a pillow. Her folksy conservatism is so frightening. I picture all the fools watching her while cleaning their assault rifles with their shroud of turin replica shammies and saying how much she speaks to their values so plain spokenly. Just terrifying.
I need an amazing video of doggies to get my mind off of this.

Now to further distance my mind, lets talk about that non-local sports team...
I hate the San Antonio Spurs.
I hate them for many reasons, not least of which is the boring dominance of Tim "The Big Fundamental" Duncan.
But I think the player who solidified my hatred of them was Bruce Bowen. Bowen will always be remembered for his "defense". And while he was tenacious in covering whatever high scoring star they put him on, I think that he crossed many a line in his time in the NBA. Bowen not only tried to stop these stars from scoring, but also seemed intent on taking them out of the game, possibly permanently. As the video below shows, Bowen was always willing to stick his foot under a player as they were coming down in the hopes of rolling the players' ankle, or kneeing someone in the balls, or what the hey, doing a leaping jump kick into a players face. And not only was he payed millions to do it, but the Spurs won 4 championships in the last decade and no one thought to maybe press assault charges against this lunatic.

And now for a third topic, I'd like to talk about Soul Plane...

Friday, February 26, 2010

Less Than Perfect Storm

In case you don't follow the news, it's snowing in the northeast US. Yes thats not only the top story, but its also pretty much taking up the ENTIRETY of all the newscasts today. As absurd as the local media can be, its really amazing that they can spend so much time covering something that they could have basically summed up with "look outside, see that foot of white stuff, well it's gonna keep coming for the rest of the day, be ready: moving on to the decade long war in the Congo that has taken over 4 million lives..."
I only watched the news because NY Governor David Patterson had just succumbed to over a year of pressure and mudslinging from his own Democratic party and announced that he would be dropping his re-election bid. After 24 minutes of snow "coverage", they spent about 33 seconds on the Patterson story before closing the show with a few minutes of recapping the previous night's Olympic results. They literally spent about 3 times as much time talking about the previous night's women's figure skating bronze medalist than they did talking about the capitulation of the Governor of New York, which had JUST HAPPENED. You know what they used to call important things that had just happened back in the good ol' days? NEWS!

Needless to say, waking up this morning the driveway had to be shoveled. My mom had to leave for work and my octogenarian strongman uncle had been out in the driveway already attempting to clean the area around my mom's car. I went out and realized that while the snow was very powdery and likely easy to scoop away, stepping on it compacted it quite effectively and made it exceedingly more difficult to shovel. My uncle had walked several times back and forth from the door to my mom's car, compacting the walkway, and then was walking circles around her car attempting to rub the ice off of the windshield with his hands, not wanting to use a tool that might scratch the windshield. I realized that I would have to immediately take over if this job was not going to continue to be made more and more difficult as he compacted more and more of the snow. Prying the shovel from him proved to be a very difficult task, as anyone familiar with the Iranian mannerism of Tarof would understand. When I did get the shovel and began working I confirmed my fears about the difficulty of shoveling the packed snow and likewise the ease of shoveling the unpacked snow. When my mom asked me to start her car and allow it to heat up I knew I had little time before the entire driveway would be marred by two lines of snow packed by the car's tires.
I'll break from this tale for a moment now.
Please enjoy the pregnant man.

One of my main concerns this year has been my health and weight. Taking a load of my fanny if you will. According to the digital scale at my mom's house I've lost 30 pounds this year, although according to the upright "doctor's office style" scale at the gym I've lost 50 pounds. While I would tend to consider a computer more fallible than the doctors office style, I don't trust the bastards at my gym as far as I can throw their 'roided up asses. I digress. I bring this up because I have found myself weighing myself often, often several times a day for no particular reason other than to see the crazy fluctuations in weight that happen throughout the day. So for some reason I had weighed myself just before heading out to shovel. And knowing I didn't have long before my mom rolled through the driveway and made my job much harder, I started shoveling like I was digging someone out of an avalanche.

I cleared the entire driveway in 10 minutes. It took me another 10 minutes just to clear the walkway which had been packed down by walking. When I came back inside dripping with sweat I weighed myself again. I had lost almost 3 pounds!
It's still snowing